here goes…

so here i am, wondering how to get my life down on paper so to speak and so i decided to blog like the rest of the world.  it’s more for me than anyone else.  it’s been 3 1/2 years since my “incident”.  it wasn’t a mistake, it was how i was feeling.  i have no regrets, in fact, sometimes i wish i didn’t wake up.  i didn’t really want to kill myself but now that i think about it, i prolly would have been better off.  i’m not good at dealing with life’s difficulties.  i feel like i’m always struggling and i can never get ahead, no matter what i do.  every time something good is within my grasp i can never seem to get a hold of it.  it’s like god doesn’t want me to be happy, ever!  people say there is a lesson in everything but how many freakin’ lessons do i have to learn before i can just live a simple life.  that’s all that i ask for.  i don’t need to be rich or own a home or travel the world.  i just want to get married, maybe have one more kid, and be content with my life.  i can’t stand negativity, yet it always seems to find me and try to suck me in.  at times i let it, other times i don’t.  but lately it’s been hard.  i see my ex and it brings up a lot of shit for me, especially since he can’t even be mature enough to be friends with me.  friends!  not lovers, not husband, not friend with benefits…just friends!  he’ll never change which is why i just have to forget about him all together as i did for 2 years until he decided to pop back into my life.  i don’t know what else to do.  i’m tired of waiting for things to happen that are beyond my control.  maybe it’s time i took control again…

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